Out of order: How I lost the key to my heart
I love scrolling through my saved Spotify playlists, always looking for a new song that touches me deep inside. The best and most relaxed way is when I’m sitting on the train. Nothing else I might have to or could do for hours. And so I sank into the highs and lows of the tones last time and landed a hit. I came across “Maybe Don’t” by Maisie Peters feat. JP Saxe heard the lyrics and was struck.
Suddenly it surfaced again – the memory of the last heart massacre I had performed on myself the previous summer, before I started working at the Escort Agency.
The fear of getting involved with someone again
“We should never speak again because I like you,” it says. “We should never speak again because I want you,” it continues. These lines give me a realistic flashback that it’s hard for me to keep my heart in the here and now. With every breath I take, I can feel my heart beating. But not in its life-sustaining function. It’s the throbbing of the scars it’s borne ever since.
The fear of getting involved with someone again is still there. Even I work as an escort girl, I don’t feel ready to step back into the dating minefield yet. Mainly since in the past, I’ve acted more like an overzealous mine-sniffing dog who hasn’t yet understood that he should only point out found mines and not pounce on them. Tick, tick, boom!
And your heart is in tatters again. You should only enter such a minefield carefully and with the best equipment. But I feel naked and defenceless; I’m not even sure if I’ve ever had adequate protective armor or just misplaced it for a short period.
Togetherness takes two
I gave you the key to my heart then. You dropped it, frightened like a glowing lump of coal for fear of burning you. You said you weren’t ready for this and that we shouldn’t see each other again, even though your behavior spoke an entirely different language.
Maybe it’s just my Hollywood spoiled heart wanting to believe that was the case with you.
“Cause I run from the things that I want the most”, it says elsewhere in the current crash song of my heart. Yeah, maybe it’s just my Hollywood spoiled heart wanting to believe it was yours. I would love to replace the “a” in Crash with a “u”.
But you didn’t have a crush on me, and it takes two to be together. It’s probably really quite simple, and you just wanted the feeling, but not what was behind it, not even the prospect of a possible commitment. A trend that I am increasingly observing today. In my and the dating experiences of my girlfriends (so it can’t be solely my fault). Yes, maybe you just wanted love-to-go and not to stay.
Yes, maybe you just wanted love-to-go and not to stay. Since then, I’ve been searching and searching deep within myself
I was so shocked by your reaction that I couldn’t catch my key. And so he fell deep into some nook and cranny of my soul. Since then, I’ve been searching and searching deep inside myself to find him again.
I blindly feel my way around every corner, waiting for that feeling when my fingertips finally trace its familiar contours so I can put it in place and get my heart pumping again. One day I will find him again.
Our love was beyond good and evil
I loved you so incredibly. Unconditionally. But even if you did get in touch, how could I forgive you for what you did to me? How could I ever trust again? How could I still look at myself in the mirror? So, like a vulnerable little child, I wander desperately through life searching for myself. Disoriented on lost paths I’m stumbling around trying to find you…How ridiculous! Given that I lost myself on the way to myself. Shouldn’t I instead want to find myself? They say you can’t love anyone unless you love yourself… what nonsense.
I was never that important to me, but fuck it, did I love you! Everything in me, Everything about you. So much so that I cut myself deeper every day to be with you. It was knowing full well that this would not last with us, which didn’t stop me from hoping instead of running as far as possible as fast as possible.
Of healing and torn scars
A part of me is healthy, wants to forget you, heal, recover from this pain and is glad you’re gone. He knows I’d probably be a lot worse right now if you were still around. However, there is this other. The part that, after all this, would still go into any fight WITH you instead of against you.
A part that would protect you with its life. An amount that may never really go away. So here I stand. I was left alone. Embittered, deeply shaken, and scarred so deep they may never fully fade. Always ready to rip open, bleed again…I survived it. I know that… But how do you live now? When every part of my body calls out to you and my torn to pieces heart, with every fiber, longs for the man who smashed it so severely to mend it again.
Used, betrayed and exchanged
Devastating. Unscrupulous. Self-important. And the worst: without any own damage. Because your mission was never to find the woman for life, but a woman for life. So you used, betrayed and exchanged me. Again. And don’t come back until it’s too late.
So you exchanged me, betrayed me and used me. Again. And don’t come back until it’s too late, which is good for me but drives me to despair some nights. This crushing, unbearable pain surges through every fiber of my body. I’m trying to escape from him. So I pick myself up, learn to live again—a life without you.
My heart in a bind, but I only love you
Yes, I know precisely; I love you. And I also feel that we are far from having ultimately left the infatuation phase behind us when my stomach starts to tingle as soon as I see you again after a long time. Nevertheless, unfortunately despite all reason and feelings, I have this crush. No, there are several small infatuations, depending on who I meet over the week.
I knew him before I met you and adored his brown eyes and deep voice, which revealed a lot under the mask.
For example, one of the fathers from the daycare center. I knew him before I met you and secretly adored his brown eyes and deep voice that hinted at ambiguity under the mask. I indeed projected most of them myself, but much joy must be allowed in everyday work.
Or my neighbor from the side wing. He always carries his bike to the first floor because he doesn’t want to lock it up in the yard and then scurries past us, embarrassed, whispering a greeting. How often have I imagined him disappearing into his apartment with a pounding heart and putting our names together on the doorbell? Infantile? Allegedly!
Your best friend – my crush
Recently though, there’s someone else – and I’m sure you can’t have missed it because it can’t have escaped many of us – I’m fascinated with your best friend. When we sit at the table and smash balls to each other playing ping pong – funny on good days, snappy on bad days – my heart beats with joy, or I get annoyed about the embarrassment until the next meeting.
When he sits down next to me, and his shoulder touches my shoulder very lightly, the only thing that keeps me from mistaking you guys is his particular aftershave or hair wax scent, and I jump up because I don’t like either. On the other hand, you smell lovely and like coming home in 99 per cent of all encounters.
Despite that, or maybe because of that, I feel drawn to him next to you and relish making you both laugh, think outside of the box for both of you, and hold your hands as we dance drunk from the club to the bar.
I’m only ashamed the following day. I am sorry because at night I dreamed of all of us
I’m only ashamed the following day. I am sorry because at night I dreamed of all of us. Admittedly, we waxed each other’s legs with strips of cold wax. And I feel even more ashamed when I try to make amends and fiercely promote my single girlfriends like this is a bazaar and you are my wares. I’m so embarrassed that I’m considering deleting this text, but at the same time, I’m curious if other people out there feel the same way I do.
After all, this area of tension accompanies us through long relationships and raises questions such as: Do I live better in monogamy or do I like an open relationship? Is my choice of partner the right one, or is that a very natural reaction to anything with two legs (which I like)? Is it just me, or do you also tick like this regularly? Would I feel betrayed, or could I handle your frankness? Does this feeling go away with time, with age, or is there more to it?
Knowing that you’re the one I want to grow old with, picture my children with, put my arm around my waist at night, and miss when he’s not around is very helpful. The hope that we are now the riddle after my years of unrequited love or frustrating dates makes me proud and optimistic.
Feelings of opportunity – or something serious?
What lies behind these feelings of opportunity, I can only guess. From needing recognition to fears of getting involved, to the simple pleasure of an innocent flirtation…I think there’s a grain of truth in everything. When you let me know that old friends got back in touch and you send me pictures of you holding a glowing beauty in your arms, that doesn’t leave me indifferent either.
Could I share with you like an apple? Could I give you the experience of staggering down the streets between my best friend holding hands and me? Would I see you sitting shoulder to shoulder next to her and think nothing of it? Or am I selfish and you wonderfully naive? Maybe a bit of everything here too.
The truth is, I would hate you both. I would be resentful and jealous, feel stupid and ugly, and it wouldn’t take ten minutes for my inner child to get the upper hand.
Because, the truth is, I’d hate you both. I would be resentful and jealous, feel stupid and ugly, and it wouldn’t take ten minutes for my inner child to get the upper hand. I would ask you not to hurt me and remind my best friend of the code we came up with when we were in our early twenties. I wouldn’t be able to sleep for a second if I knew that you would dream your way to her at night – even remove her leg hair.
So I’ll leave these emotional outliers and give us rest. You can keep your best friend to yourself, and I’ll swallow my crazy feelings. Because as I said at the beginning: I know precisely, I love you.
Don’t know how you feel about him? How do you know it’s just a momentary passion?
Important decisions taken too early, maximum delight followed by deep disappointment, the fire of passion that after a short time you feel entirely extinguished, the reality of a person who does not match the image you have built in your mind. You feel a momentary passion is taking over your mind, and you become very insecure. Is it something temporary, a straw fire or the natural feeling you’ve been waiting for?
Limited time
The passion of the moment is like a sudden fire. You don’t even know when or where it started, it burns violently and goes out relatively quickly. In a few months, this crush will go away, and the damage can be significant if you are not careful.
Confusion and games
You do not know precisely how you stand or your relationship’s nature. It is not clear, transparent and appeals to various games that twist your mind. You seem to be feverish, everything is uncertain, and you have an intense activation state. And if you have sex, the situation is similar. He is often even in a serious relationship, is married, or is the unstable type with multiple adventures.
