How can I best criticize my partner? – Do’s and don’ts of a critical matter
It’s impressive how wrong some things in life are. Criticize? Most people like to do it, but being criticized is pretty much the most unpleasant thing. And this even though there is hardly anything more important than learning from one another – it is not for nothing that the ability to take criticism (which is said to be so familiar) is so high up the list when it comes to job interviews or personality tests, like the ones we do at the Escort Agency.
Criticize? Most people like to do it, but being criticized is pretty much the most unpleasant thing.
Of course, I also think (in all modesty, lol) that I am pretty capable, as an escort girl, of criticism, and accordingly, I can also approach my relationship without restraint, right? I mean, at eye level and accepting my partner’s criticism – with open arms and bowed head. I’m not sure what level of criticism is appropriate in a relationship, what’s expected, helpful, or respectful. And yes, I think there could be different answers.
I’m not sure what level of criticism is appropriate in a relationship, what’s expected, helpful, or respectful
In the long run, it just doesn’t work without complaint (unless you’re very passive and I’m not that, sorry, not sorry); after all, you usually want to develop yourself further together, and who could support you better than a sincere, loving one Opposite, who in the course of a severe relationship was allowed to get to know pretty much all the negative characteristics, habits and behaviour patterns of the other.
Criticism as it lives and breathes – everything is normal.
Yes, of course, “there is no such thing as normal” we are all unique, which is beautiful. But somehow, there is normal. It’s normal when my girlfriend tells me, maybe reluctantly, that she said to her boyfriend: “You suck”, and now she feels terrible and wonders what’s going on with her.
Then I say: “Hey, that’s normal, I’ve said it before, I’ve seen it in a series, and I’m sure someone has said it to me before and then that’s fine too.” That doesn’t mean it’s okay and an excellent example of good communication in a healthy relationship; just that it can happen doesn’t shock me, and I can relate.
In the long run, it is not possible without criticism; after all, as a rule, one would like to develop further together, and who could support one better than a loving counterpart
This may be a somewhat clumsy example of how one should probably not communicate, and yet I experience it all around me again and again: unthought-out criticism at the wrong time and in the wrong place that doesn’t solve anything but only makes everything worse:
For example, criticism that only comes as a backlash to other criticism (“You forgot to do the dishes!” is followed by “Whoa, but you didn’t do the dishes properly last week and didn’t wipe and everything!”), criticism that is voiced in moments in which the person opposite is already totally insecure and overwhelmed (“You don’t park like that!” while you’re already blocking the entire street and would have come to the brilliant conclusion that you don’t park OBVIOUSLY like that.) or criticism of something, which was meant kindly or was an additional effort (“Thanks for cooking, only a little salt and pepper is missing and it was in the oven for too long, but quite good.” – Yes, hey, always happy).
All in good time
Coming to the second aspect: Ideally, criticism is constructive and helpful. And if I’m feeling down, overwhelmed, or hurt, there’s a pretty good chance I won’t be super relaxed, open, and grateful when someone criticizes me – it just wouldn’t be something I could accept in that situation. Not helpful.
When I’m feeling down, overwhelmed, or hurt, there’s a pretty good chance I won’t be super relaxed, open, and grateful when someone criticizes me. Of course, it’s still important to be informed if you can’t park or don’t use enough salt, but what is the right time for this, and how do you say something like that lovingly and effectively?
Be honest: It must also be possible to express criticism spontaneously in a concrete situation, which also works if there is a basis of trust for it. Sitting down and listening to what my partner has to say isn’t much fun, but it’s necessary. And, of course, a distinction must be made between criticism of ridiculous banalities and criticism of fundamental characteristics or behaviour.
I think it is essential to be aware of my partner’s insecurities in general and what experiences she has had in previous relationships (including family) if I want to criticize her. Experiences and behavioural patterns are often deeply embedded in us, and it is essential to classify actions and reactions correctly.
I think it is essential to be aware of my partner’s insecurities in general and what experiences she has had in previous relationships (including family) if I want to criticize her
Maybe my counterpart is afraid of rejection. It is all the more essential to include that to show that I recognize the other person’s perspective and offer a safe framework in which to be able to accept criticism. Maybe that sounds a bit too complicated, especially when it comes to small things? Yes. But I firmly believe that a primary, solid culture of criticism in a relationship can be applied to problems and disagreements, big or small, and makes life and love easier.
Criticism is a spectrum
For example, I am enormously talented in throwing myself into an instant fiery counter-argument: This often leads to my verbal victory, but very rarely to the fact that we can clarify and solve something in our partnership. Ideally, criticism is a dialogue and not a fight. However, it is hardly surprising that it sometimes feels quite warlike if you look at the German vocabulary in critical disputes: “to defy someone”, “to bring out heavy artillery”, “counter”, and “thick air” – ever who noticed, that is the vocabulary of war? Logically, I would like to offer resistance in the heat of the moment.
Ideally, criticism is a dialogue and not a fight
My friend loves to clarify things quickly; once they are in the room, I have to collect myself briefly, polish my pride, not take the insult too personally and need some time to classify everything. Either way is acceptable, I guess, as long as I understand why my boyfriend is pushing and not letting go right now, and he knows I’m not avoiding things or suddenly shutting down, I need to collect myself for a moment. Therefore, let’s communicate how we generally want to deal with criticism and not within a moment of criticism (stupidest idea ever)!
Let’s communicate how we generally want to deal with criticism and not within a moment of criticism!
If we learn to criticize correctly, especially about partnerships, that is an incredible added value for respectful cooperation in which all parties can feel safe and respected. People criticize differently, which probably has a lot to do with how we learned or didn’t learn the whole thing. So, the key is to communicate, recognize (and breakthrough) your patterns, and not start a direct fight but to engage in an honest dialogue. Overqualified for a Relationship: Do I Have to Stay Single Because I Know My Self-Worth?
Pretty weird word. “Overqualified”. It is defined in the dictionary as “having competencies/skills (qualifications) beyond those required to perform a task”. – But what about the “love relationship task?”
I am now confident about myself
I am a cheerful, helpful, open and intelligent escort girl. I was tall enough to be a part-time model in college and pretty enough to have men turning to me on the street. My friends say: you are beautiful on the outside and the inside. My friends say: you are beautiful on the outside and the inside. I have numerous hobbies that require creativity and passion.
There is hardly a sport that doesn’t interest me and no book from which I can still learn something. I play instruments and like to travel. I do handicrafts, and gardening is my passion. I’m successful in (almost) every area of life, and most of the time, I don’t even have to do anything for it.
I have many friends: I get it if I need a hug. If I want to cuddle, I get that too. And when I need sex, I can think of many solutions to obtain satisfaction. I have five siblings whom I love and who love me, and four nephews and nieces and (step)parents who always support me at any cost. That sounds like self-adulation, but it wasn’t always like that: I grew up in fear and shame.
Be dependent, become independent
We moved often, and I never made friends at school. Physical violence was also part of my youth experiences. In addition, I can look back on several depressive episodes. I was psychologically abused in partnerships and then had blocked with men I wasn’t really into. Three therapies later, I understood that I should never undersell myself again and wait until I find what I’m looking for and never let anyone be even remotely evil to me.
But what does value mean in dating? We are told: “Woman, have self-confidence, get by yourself, never make yourself dependent!” I did it! Check, check, double-check. But maybe I overshot the mark? I date a lot. Sometimes I like my counterpart more than they want me or vice versa. That’s how it is.
70 dates over ten years later
However, if I get the faintest hint that I’m not valued or respected or that someone doesn’t think I’m as great as I do them, I’m out straight away and don’t look back. If I get the faintest hint that I’m not valued, respected or that someone doesn’t think I’m as great as I do them, I’ll be out and won’t look back.
Tiptop, right?! But what does that mean now? I’ve worked so hard not to “need” a partner, so I don’t get one? Is my self-esteem “too high”? And by that, I don’t mean too high standards: I don’t want the lawyer with the 1.92m, the great car and the dough! I want one thing: the man sees how I see myself and thinks I’m great because of it. We both want the same thing.
Seventy dates over ten years later, I’m still single. The funny thing is, I’m way happier than most people I know. Does that make me a unicorn? Am I doomed to be alone forever?
Should I lie on dates and make myself smaller? I can answer every question about the status quo of my life with an A+, not because I’m lying, but because it is so. Why is that? I usually don’t get that far on my dates. But I don’t think it’s essential either; what counts is what I am now and what I want to be.
To be happy, people must respect those around them and receive respect
We all have pride and are sensitive to how others treat us, their feelings, words, thoughts, and looks. However, we must not take things too personally because the reasons may differ when something unpleasant happens, not even related to us. People who hurt others are depressed; they react because of their frustrations and inner wounds, which they cannot get rid of or heal.
A love affair is essential to finding balance in your life. If you are already in a relationship and it has become dull, you should try to do something to change the atmosphere
Sometimes it is straightforward to save your relationship; you have to make a few gestures to get the appreciation of the other. It is not difficult to become a little inventive, especially when you are in a relationship where there are signs that you have lost your love. If you rekindle the flame of love, something else can be saved. Of course, other surprises matter – a beautiful holiday, a romantic dinner, an invitation to an extraordinary concert, visiting unique tourist attractions, etc. Don’t let love escape you because of pride that can destroy love!
