We met online. It was the time when the Internet was discovered. ICQ, Knuddels and MySpace. We were chatty friends, talked on the phone from time to time, and at some point, you came to visit me with your boyfriend and then BÄM! Amorous! The first night we went for a night’s walk. We lay down on the street, watched the starry sky, and kissed again and again. On the day of departure, you asked if we were together now.

Five years of long-distance relationship, because I was working as an escort girl followed before we moved to my home country together. You were my first boyfriend, my first sex, my first life partner. Romantic, nightly walks under the starry sky, driving around in the car for hours and listening to music, love letters, tearful farewells and overjoyed reunions, travelling together, getting pets together, buying furniture, dancing around the apartment in underwear, weekly shopping in the supermarket.

You were my first boyfriend, my first sex, my first life partner

Graduate from high school, complete an apprenticeship and your first real job, the first resignation because you were unhappy at the position, squander your first salary together, go to parties together and make fun of guys who hit on me and buy you drinks, making soup for each other when you’re sick and slamming doors and yelling at each other because we’re mad at each other, apologizing and making up.

We experienced all of this together. You were my home, my family.

Day X

And then came day X. Stomach pains have plagued me for some time. I felt terrible and dull; something was wrong. In the past, we’ve always had arguments about one issue. I knew it was taking a toll on you, but I didn’t know how to change it.

Then you got a little more distant. You met up with colleagues more often, suddenly paid extreme attention to your appearance, your cell phone screen had a PIN code that I didn’t know. I asked you if everything was alright. If there was something, I should know. Once I even asked directly if you had someone else. You looked me in the eyes and said firmly: No.

On day X, you forgot your cell phone at home. And I couldn’t contain my doubts anymore and took it. I opened your messages and read how you apologized to your co-worker for breaking down the last time you met. My heart started racing, and I couldn’t breathe. You had sex more than once. Maybe you wanted to revenge for the times I’ve had sex, working at the Escort Agency, but you said that’s ok, because is my job.

I opened your messages and read how you apologized to your co-worker for breaking down the last time you met

I kept scrolling. You wrote with a lot of girls. Chatting with a woman you met at college featured nude photos of you and intimate text saying I’d just left for work and you wished she’d come into bed with you now.

When you got home, all hell broke loose. That evening you confessed everything to me. There was another woman you had met several times. That night I lay crying in our bed, my head pounding from not comprehending the magnitude of things, and I threw up in a tour.

Days and weeks followed when you were gone because I couldn’t stand you. You went to your parents for a week or two. I was remotely controlled. I was on vacation because I quit my old job and got a new one closer to home so we could spend more time together.

Days and weeks followed when you were gone because I couldn’t stand you

When you came back, you had flowers with you. We talked. I wanted to know everything exactly. You seemed desperate and kept saying it was the mistake of your life. I tried to forgive you. I couldn’t bear the thought that ten years of a relationship should be over. I only told two of my friends about the incident. Nobody else.

I started a new job. I hated him. I didn’t get along with the boss and her way of working. In my free time, it was all about not losing you. I didn’t meet friends anymore, especially since one of your playmates was suddenly with my buddy and I couldn’t bear to see her. I hardly pursued my hobby and limited it to the bare essentials.

We did a lot. I had sex with you like a maniac. Constant. I gave it my all. At some point, I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. In my head, everything focuses on perseverance and overcoming. I tried to look ahead. I read tons of guides and blog articles on the subject. I thought your cheating would make us stronger. You bought a bigger car for future children together.

I had sex with you like a maniac. Constant. I gave it my all. You bought a bigger car for future children together

One day I found my grandma collapsed in her kitchen. Pulmonary embolism. She barely survived. I took her to the hospital and then visited her every day. I kept the family informed and took care of everything.

And then the unrest began. I could no longer concentrate on my work. I was constantly jittery. My heart was racing, sweating, my blood pressure was skyrocketing. It all became too much. The whole thing escalated into constant panic attacks. I only listened to myself, fearing that I was seriously ill, but no doctor could find a physical cause.

And then came the desperation and with it the fear

Afraid of dying, scared of going insane. I cried and cried. I didn’t want to go out, see anyone, let alone do anything. I took sick leave. And then came the desperation and with it the fear. Afraid of dying, scared of going insane. I cried and cried.

Life was becoming torture, and once, I caught myself thinking about what it would be like to walk out onto the street in front of the next bus. Then it would be over. When I realized what I was thinking, I was terrified. Afraid of myself. I was lost in my negative thoughts. I was desperately searching for the reason for my situation and getting more and more entangled in my self-loathing. I tore myself, my past, my family.

Eventually, I got so desperate that I sought professional help. I like the step: I discussed all the issues I felt were responsible for my unbearable life with my therapist. Some things in my life had made me profoundly insecure and for which I had no real explanation. The thing with you wasn’t one of those topics, though. She listened to my story. It was new to me that someone took me and my worries seriously and helped me to deal with them. Before that, in my life ruled this: “life is hard; you just have to grit your teeth”.

It was new to me that someone took me and my worries seriously and helped me to deal with them

Gradually, I was able to clarify some things for myself, had discussions with my family and had many emotional outbursts. You were by my side. I coped better with the panic attacks. Quit my hated job and found a new one. But despite everything, I walked around like a beaten dog.

At some point, I had the idea to start over. Of course, with you by my side. I told you about my plan. And you freaked out. You accused me of destroying your life and everything you had built here.

I did not understand the world anymore. I just wanted to move to the next town with you. Away from my family and old friends. Of course, that would have meant a smaller apartment and maybe a few other material losses, but the main thing was that we could start from scratch, without the shadow of the past that caused me to hide from everyone what had happened to us and therefore kept away from everyone.

One night I had a bad dream again. Since your cheating, I’ve had constant nightmares. Often, you would yell at me in my dreams, and I could never say anything because I had no voice. This time I dreamed that you cheated on me again. We were sitting in the garden with our friends, and I tried to explain everything somehow, but you didn’t say anything and just watched as if the whole thing didn’t concern you.

Take a deep breath

When I woke up, I felt like I was struck by lightning. I can not do this anymore! I cried on the way to work. I called on the toilet in the office and spent the break screaming in the park. I could hardly walk. My legs felt like I was going to collapse with every step. I called you and asked when you were coming home. I told my boss I felt sick and went home. I waited for you on the sofa. We both wanted to go to the Baltic Sea for a long weekend the next day.

When you entered the room, you immediately asked what was going on. “I can not do this anymore. I want to break up!” I said. You got angry immediately. You yelled at me that you had just gotten the ring and were going to propose to me on the Baltic Sea. “I can’t; I’m sorry,” I said. You cried. Then you stormed out of the apartment, and I ran outside crying.

You shattered me, yet I felt like I could breathe again for the first time in two years

In the evening I finally told my parents what had happened two years ago and my friends later. We shocked everyone, yet happy to know what was wrong with me eventually. A month later, you moved out. It all came so unexpectedly for you, you said. You said you wanted to marry me and start a family with me.

After three months, you had a new girlfriend.

No happy ending

I would now like to write about how great my life is today, five years later. I have found my true love and will be happy until the end of my life or that I live entirely in harmony with myself and am permanently satisfied. But unfortunately, that is not the case. Not your typical Hollywood happy ending. But I’m me again. I feel something again. I can laugh again, and I’m hopeful. I live!

Not your typical Hollywood happy ending. But I’m me again. I feel something again

After a specific recovery time, I threw myself into life. I met new people, went on vacation alone, renovated my apartment, started further education. I fell in love, and my heart broke again. I broke hearts, had affairs and attempted relationships, tinkered furiously, and cursed the app. I partied. I swam in the sea at midnight and gazed at the stars. I was riding a horse through the Icelandic countryside. I went canoeing with strangers and nearly died from my sore muscles afterwards.

  1. I can train people now.
  2. I continued to develop professionally.
  3. I spoke my mind and stood up for myself.
  4. I argued and made up.
  5. I was alone and enjoyed it sometimes.
  6. I was alone and felt lonely.
  7. I was lovesick.
  8. I was afraid of missing the connection and not finding anyone else.
  9. I was afraid of not being able to start a family.
  10. I wasn’t sure if I wanted that at all.
  11. I lost my cat and found it again.
  12. I asked friends for help and got it.
  13. I screwed up and regretted it.

I was alone and enjoyed it sometimes. I was alone and felt lonely

I have no idea what’s going on, but I know it’s going on. And that’s good and makes me incredibly happy! Sometimes I’m sad and scared, I have doubts and worries, but these small moments come. In the beginning, they were tiny and short; little by little, they were getting bigger and longer—moments when I was happy.

Cheating was a massive thing for me; he threw me in the dirt and kicked me again and again. My life turned into a night. But as the saying goes: you can only see the stars in the dark. And eventually, the morning dawned.

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