Overthinking – the art of creating problems that don’t exist
3 Days of radio silence. Whole three days. The last of my messages to you also ended with a question mark.
Who does not know that? Miscommunication or a complete lack of communication between people?
My head almost explodes with thoughts. How is it that my state of mind depends so much on an answer from YOU? It almost sounds pathetic – I would be happy with just two words. Better than no news at all.
I’m sitting there staring out the window, my phone on the desk next to me. The phone just won’t vibrate. And if I do, I immediately stop what I’m doing and my heart skips a beat: It was one of my friends who just sent a photo of a cat to our WhatsApp group again.
The reason so many escort girls wish for the daily message, and if it’s just a “Hi, how are you?” or a picture of you fishing, is that we have an illness that is compounded by absence and radio silence: overthinking.
I want to get out of the merry-go-round of thoughts, into self-confidence, and above all into trust in life. No matter how difficult it is in this crazy world
The speed of the thought circles that we experience without a sign of life from the partner/friend/lover (m/f/d) increases exponentially. Imagine a bouncy ball that first falls to the ground in a high arc and then makes very small, fast hops before it comes to a standstill.
The longer it’s been a sign of life, the faster we’re approaching the rapid bouncy ground motion where none of us can guarantee our mental leaps from jealousy to imagining your death in a horrific accident. After we’re the last to know because your mother has never heard our name, even though we’ve been sleeping together for several years, all this years I’ve been working with a popular Escort Service.
Feelings and perceptions
Which feelings I observe, which arise one after the other or sometimes simultaneously with me in this state:
The fear of not being enough and being abandoned again.
The anger – I’m angry with myself because I think if I honestly say how I feel I’ll destroy my most important relationships. And you, you ass, because you must know that I’m longingly waiting for your answer and your silence leaves my unanswered questions hanging in the air.
I find my suppressed anger blocking love and creativity and I get lost in this nerve-wracking mental turmoil.
Fainting – feels like a dead end. I can’t force other people to behave the way I want them to.
Three days after your last message I was sure you would never come back. You’ve met your childhood sweetheart again, made new business contacts, and just stayed
The last time this carousel started turning for me, we were in two different countries. You only wanted to stay for one week, one became two and two ended up being three. Of course, I didn’t ask why, and I figured out my own stories in the meantime. Three days after your last message I was sure you would never come back. You’ve met your childhood sweetheart again, made new business contacts, and just stayed. It was nice. Thanks. Goodbye.
How stupid not to just ask what’s going on and what the reasons are that are keeping you. If we don’t share our feelings, our relationships will inevitably suffer.
Don’t be cool, aloof, and show no reaction – instead, honestly say that I was so looking forward to seeing you again.
Sometimes there are simple reasons for the radio silence
And then you call. Your voice on the phone is almost shaking and I know you were crying. Your cat, which you got when you were a little boy, lived with your mum for years – who also send me greetings. She was sick and died in your arms tonight. Anyone who owns pets knows how heartbreaking their death is.
What I’ve learned is that it’s ok to have those feelings, even though I think I need to be more enlightened and act like a little girl. I speak out when I’m angry. When you do this for the first time, it feels a bit like an emotional bomb going off. Mainly because the behavior is in such contrast to previous politeness.
The next time the anger outbursts, the bombshell becomes New Year’s Eve crackers and the anger can even become the source of creative energy. It also helps to change perspective when you are unconscious. Maybe it’s not a dead-end, but the path to what I need and not what I want.
So I’ve decided to be more patient and calm. That’s not repression, it’s self-care
So I’ve decided to be more patient and calm. To distance ourselves from the smartphone, from the news and distractions that also make us constantly lose our heads. That’s not repression, it’s self-care. Just letting you be you, and me too. “Stay a few more days. Take your time.”, I say, “See you soon.”
Daydreaming – a nice pastime or a complete waste of time?
It’s 7:40 a.m. on a typical weekday. I drive my car to work, listen to my favorite song playlist on Spotify, and sing along sometimes out loud and sometimes just in my head. I already know the track inside out. This allows me to wander in my mind. And as so often, you come to mind, but only on certain songs. You’d think it would be ours. But they aren’t, because we’ve never heard them together.
I think to myself conversations that we lead to it. How we lead them and what we say. The way you look at me like I’m the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen. Of course, this is all just the fruit of my imagination, in other words: a beautiful daydream that will never come true.
I replay the few short conversations we’ve had in real life in my head until I have the perfect answers to your questions. As if you could take back what has already been saying and replace it with something better. Pure wishful thinking, of course.
Every time I see you my heart skips a beat and the only question I want to ask you is: do you feel the same way? Don’t have the courage and be too scared of your answer as it won’t be the one I picture in my head almost every day.
The question I then have for myself is: What does it bring me? Nothing, but one thing is certain: it does more harm than good. I get my hopes up for no reason and disappoint myself, so to speak. But in one moment it seems as if it were real – and I think that’s nice. I can’t stop, the urge to think of you only decreases from time to time, but it doesn’t go away completely.
The bitter reality
When we meet, which is a rarity, nervousness takes over, hot flashes follow, and my mouth can’t get a proper sentence out. Do you notice that? How can you not notice that? Even Facebook suggests you as a friend. Well, that’s probably from typing you into what feels like 100 times in the search box. The last time you visited me at work, you said you would like to come to my place. My answer was very perplexed: Yes, that’s fine. What kind of answer is that?
According to one of your emails, you want to buy me a coffee. I’m still waiting for it though – probably in vain. Why would you buy me a coffee too? You have a girlfriend, according to my research – and I have a boyfriend.
You probably just wanted to be nice to me and maybe flirt a little, that’s all
And now I just feel stupid. You probably just wanted to be nice to me and maybe flirt a little, that’s all. And I fool think the rest of it. But despite everything, I hope that you will come through the door at any moment and ask me for a coffee. One can probably still daydream.
How grief, worries, and arguments attack our love – and why I’m still optimistic
While I was recently happy that we had cracked my holy grail of relationship tasks – not to deliberately throw hurtful things at each other – precisely that little cynical supporting role crept into our everyday life under confidence and arrogance. She whispered to us, gave me the stamp “controlled” and you the nickname “ruthless” and took over the beautiful white sheet on which we were lying in innocence.
At the kitchen table, you started the battle by throwing little nasty provocations around you, blinking over your bun. But maybe it was me who started to write sharp-tongued texts to throw you off balance.
There is drama in the routine
Of course, we’ve been together a little longer now, have left the first passionate wave behind us, in which little more was needed than our togetherness and some sunshine. If the latter stays away in the cloudy autumn, we look for other topics than the loving description of my green eyes and your long fingers in all their details.
Instead, we’re now making vengeful plans to smother each other’s latest conflict, quietly, as we sip tea and candlelight covers your blond lash line.
I flash you mischievously from the side and consider whether it is important to me to win or to get into bed in harmony. Both, nothing, everything, sometimes like this, sometimes like that.
The other day we were arguing from funny to cheeky after seemingly harmlessly rocking each other. I sat half bent, half kneeling in front of you, you groaning, swaying, threatening in front of me. This time I went too far and built a framework of uncharming truths that you clung to, threatened to fall, and yelled: “Stop!”
I understood we had been hooking up for the first time in months and a mixture of sadness, concern, and anger at our inconsistency (not being the best couple on the planet at everything) I was so desperate that I dared to go to bed without reconciliation.
The next morning, if not in the pitch night, we vowed to get better
We received the bill for this in the form of a restless night. I turned, you turned, we were both exhausted from each other – without each other. The next morning, if not in the pitch night, we vowed to get better.
In stillness lies strength… or is it agony?
Unfortunately, we should continue to torment ourselves in the following weeks. We outlined topics: this pandemic, the political situation, our family situation, and shortcomings that were neither fun nor helpful through the dreary autumn. They only drew us deeper into despair and melancholy.
Everything was better before. Where has ours gone before?
Everything was better before. Where has ours gone before? Again this miserable kitchen table, again far from a love oath. Now there was only you, me, and the next opportunity to spit deep into each other’s souls.
But it was our last conflict that made me understand after three nasty weeks that it wasn’t us as a couple who were incapable, but the circumstances were getting harder and harder. The dark days, the heavy work, this ridiculous, never-ending illness. we are exhausted we are tired We are at our worst.
We are at our worst.
The current solution requires us to distance ourselves a little. Missing each other again and breathing deeply. It is always said that there is strength in stillness. We had been so stormy with each other, now each of us lacked energy.
Our way out of this dilemma: we take three steps back. Get out of this everyday life that no one wanted to have for free. Take the pressure off of hauling each other through this phase. Rather a few moments without each other that promise that I can look forward to seeing you again. That we feel like us again.
And so I already miss you after seven silent hours and want to tell you the world. But I also enjoy that feeling because it seemed endangered for a little while. But it is not. My grail is still brimming with optimism.